Wacky Answering Machine

This is hilarious. It's the answering machine message most cops would love to have in the station house. Give it a listen.

Katie Can't Get a Break

The WSJ reports that Katie "Alien Robot" Holmes is having trouble getting her career back on track after a couple of years being under Tom "Christ" Cruise's evil spell.

In recent weeks, representatives at the Hollywood talent firm Creative Artists Agency have been working hard to map out a new career plan for the temporarily out-of-work actress, her associates say.

No kidding. Being out of work for two years doesn't really sound that temporary to me. Now, I realize that CAA is a heavyweight in the biz, but can it reverse Katie's lobotomy?

She recently was unable to make a deal with Warner Bros. to land what appeared to be a good opportunity: a reprisal of her role as assistant district attorney Rachel Dawes in the sequel to 2005's "Batman Begins," scheduled for summer 2008 and titled "The Dark Knight."

People involved have their official stories straight that she couldn't do it because of a scheduling conflict, and negotiations that are underway for a low budget flick with Queen Latifah. Yet, word is that since her relationship with Cruise-Control hit the headlines right around the time the "Batman Begins" debuted, the people involved with that movie didn't want her back again.

"We never got to the negotiating stage" for "Dark Knight," says Julie Polkes, a spokeswoman for Ms. Holmes. "Katie was offered ["Dark Knight"] but was unable to accept the role because of scheduling conflicts. She was in the process of negotiating for another project. In addition, when she returns to work, she would like to tackle a new character." A spokeswoman for Warner Bros. concurs that Ms. Holmes dropped out because of timing.

Who believes that? Who in their right mind would want to take a huge pay cut to work on a movie that approximately three people will see, if indeed she had the opportunity to work on, if not a blockbuster, at least a film guaranteed to get teens and 20-somethings into the theater?

Yet Ms. Holmes has an added problem: her relationship with Mr. Cruise has been a tabloid free-for-all from the moment it started, generating negative publicity that may make studios more reluctant to take a chance on her.

Again, no kidding. Taking a chance on her means that her Scientology god-like hubby comes along for the ride in a controlling two-fer. I don't recall him doing this sort of thing to Nicole, but their kids are adopted, not biological. Maybe Cruise-Control does really differentiate along such phony lines.

She's also become inextricably linked to the 44-year-old Mr. Cruise, a Hollywood legend who has been criticized for his controversial Scientology faith and a pattern of erratic public behavior that is regarded in some quarters as a box-office liability. Mr. Cruise's production contract was not renewed last August by Paramount, partly because of his antics, including ecstatically proclaiming his love for Ms. Holmes on Oprah Winfrey's couch and inveighing against the use of antidepressants by Brooke Shields and others on the "Today" show.

She's a whole lot better known now than she was a few years ago as one of the Dawson's Creek ensemble, but it's not because of her acting. I don't know whether she can act or not; I've never seen Dawson's Creek, nor have I seen any of her movies. But I do know that she's become a punch line.

During the summer of 2005, Warner Bros. marketers were frustrated over the "Batman" campaign, say people there at the time, when Ms. Holmes's budding romance with Mr. Cruise distracted attention from the movie -- creating paparazzi frenzies on the red carpet and prompting her to use coveted late-night television air time partly to promote her then-boyfriend's movie, "War of the Worlds."

Okay. Let's see. She blew her precious promotion time on the late night circuit for her own movie by plugging her then-boyfriend's movie. That couldn't have gone over well with the studio. Her lack of promotion for "Thank You for Smoking" might be excused because she was seven months pregnant at the time, but the Batman deal was a different matter altogether.

Somehow, I just can't feel that sorry for her. She's made a few decision in her life that led her to where she finds herself today. Whether I think they're poor decisions is irrelevant. Nobody else made them for her, and now she has to deal with the fallout to her career.

I guess it's that much less money to go to the Scientologists whose "rescue missions" consist of physically touching Katrina victims instead of providing them with shelter and basic supplies. Bunch of wackos.

Your Slanguage Profile

Aussie Slang: 75% New England Slang: 75% Victorian Slang: 75% British Slang: 25% Canadian Slang: 25% Prison Slang: 25%

What Slanguage Do You Speak?

Minus 21F?

Okay, Froggie's going to do her Michelin Man imitation today, complete with ski underwear and down jacket from her high school days in the 1970s. Hah! I even still have a lift ticket on the zipper. No snow on the ground, though. TGIF!

Five Random Facts About Me Meme

Kevin tagged me. Didn't notice it until this morning, and didn't have time to run with it until now. My bad.

1) I was a chemical engineering major until I wasn't.

2) I grow orchids, mostly species ones, but some hybrids as well, and they usually do keep re-blooming year after year for me.

3) I love playing the Spock Market. Embrace your inner Ferengi.

4) I really, really want to get a German Shepherd.

5) I cannot whistle to save my life, nor sing.

Kerry to Drop Out of the 2008 White House Race

By Cricket Frog, Special BS Detector


WASHINGTON — Democratic Sen. John Kerry, announced Wednesday he will drop out of the race for president in 2008.

Kerry, 64, made the announcement on the Senate floor at the end of a lengthy speech on Iraq. He briefly choked up.

"We came close ... certainly close enough to be tempted to try again," the Massachusetts senator said, recalling his defeat.

"There are powerful reasons to want to continue that fight now. But I have concluded this isn't the time for me to mount a presidential campaign."

Wiping away a tear, Kerry further explained "I was out of it [the race] before I was in it, so I decided to drop out."

Fellow democrats cited his botched joke about how only people too stupid to get into college ended up fighting in Iraq. Kerry apologized, then hastily scrapped several days of campaigning for fellow Democrats as party leaders urged him to avoid becoming an unwanted issue in a campaign they were on the way to winning.

At the same time, he worked to keep his presidential hopes alive. Aides said he campaigned in 35 states and has an active online community of more than 3 million people and has $12.5 million in his campaign bank account, advantages for any presidential contender.

Officials said Kerry would seek a new six-year term in the Senate in 2008. The fourth-term lawmaker and decorated Vietnam War veteran said he would return to the senate to devote his fifth term to being an Easter Island statue.

A Kerry aide who requested anonymity said that Jon Corzine had privately told Kerry "I'll buy you a governorship should your next senate bid fall short."

Star Wars Horoscope for Libra

You are on a lifelong pursuit of justice and determined to succeed. You convey the art of persuasion through force. You always display your supreme intelligence. You have a great talent in obtaining balance between yourself and your surroundings. Star wars character you are most like: Obi Wan Kenobie

What Is Your Star Wars Horoscope?

Five Year Anniversary (Work)

My five year anniversary was actually last June, but my company cobbles together the "milestone" anniversaries with the annual superstar and dream team awards. One guy ducked out on his 25 year recognition thing, even though he was in the office (he hates these things). Each of us got a corporate gift catalogue from Michael C. Fina (a New York institution for, among other things, bridal registries) with several pages worth of items from which we could choose. Watches, jewelry, lead crystal, bone china, etc. I had no use for most of it, and those items for which I really had a use, I already own. Presumably the people with 10, 15, 20, and 25 year anniversaries were able to choose from more expensive items.

I had pretty much narrowed down the options to two items: a Weber kettle grill, and a wall clock. When I got home, I asked SJ to help me choose. He immediately nixed all the same items I had. Truth be told, we have an old table-top Weber grill, and I can get a new one at Home Depot or any hardware store when ours hits the dust or we need a much larger one. For that matter, I can buy a new clock from a wonderful clock shop in Chester (the owner does repairs as well). I had to pick something. We settled on the wall clock. I'll place my order tomorrow.

Our reasoning for choosing the clock was pretty simple. Sooner or later that grill would end up in a dump, and I'd probably forget how I got it within a few years. Nothing about it says "anniversary gift." The wall clock will be around a lot longer than 15-20 years, and I will remember how and why I acquired it. The clock in the picture is not exactly the clock I'll be getting, but it is extremely similar. The face on mine doesn't have any of that ornate gold colored frou-frou, and the pendulum doesn't have the harp shaped detail. I've seen much prettier clocks, but I've also seen far, far uglier ones.

I might have preferred a carriage clock, or a schoolhouse clock, but neither was an option. There was a mantle clock, but we have Steve's grandmother's antique mantle clock, and don't need another. My parents have several very pretty antique wall clocks which need periodic winding with a key, which I may one day own, but for now, the only wall clock I have is an L.L. Bean "weather center" that I gave my grandfather for Christmas many years ago, and got back after his death. It's functional, but pretty boring looking.

The one I've selected as a company gift is more what I think of as a "wall clock." I grew up in a house full of antiques, and have quite a few of them myself. Most of my "modern" furniture looks antique anyway, so the clock will go nicely with the decor.

All in all, I'm pleased that I was able to find something acceptable among the choices!

Separated at Birth 2

Weird!

Separated at Birth?

I don't know about you, but I think the resemblance is uncanny.

"An Apology"

Unbelievable. The "horrible writer," Nickolaus A. Pacione, makes a career blasting people who actually make money by writing, and anyone else who is less than impressed with his myriad spelling and grammar mistakes. At one time or another, he's accused at least a couple dozen of us of ruining his book sales, e-pirating his fiction, called us vile names, and sent us e-mail death threats. He repeatedly told me to get "nut cancer" until he realized that's physically impossible, to get hit by a car, etc. I've gotten off relatively easily compared to others in his cross-hairs. One person I know of has a couple of restraining orders against this jerk.

Every year or so he posts an insincere public "apology" to one of his victims. Let's face it: his books don't sell because they're unreadable crap, and he's extremely obnoxious.

While he normally self-publishes anthologies, in which he contributes one or two short stories, and lists himself as the editor, it's quite obvious that he doesn't even properly proofread the other "contributions." I use the term loosely, because the writers almost never actually get paid for their work, except maybe in the form of an Adobe .pdf format copy. At first the newbie writers are thrilled to be published by this jerk, but when they realize they've been stiffed, they refuse to contribute any more stories, and he has to go recruit fresh blood on college campuses.

This guy is poisonous. Here's his latest "apology" to a writer who has actually been very nice to me over the past couple of years. Apology indeed.

"An Apology"

4 Comments -Hide Original Post Collapse comments

As much as I hate Mary Sangiovanni, I want to apologize for bringing her son into it. One thing I want from her is to quit ruining sales of House of Spiders 3. Just that she bragged about owning a copy of a book that really blasted my family and the writers stalked my blogs and pirated my anthologies.

Withani said...

Will you shut up already?!?!?! You're obviously insane. Please seek therapy.

7:54 AM

Withani said...

Do you really believe all these delusions? Since you live in your parents' house, do they worry about you? You are insane.

7:56 AM

Froggie said...

How is this an apology, and to whom? To us, or to Mary? In three short sentences you continue to blast her for causing your non-existant book sales and for enjoying a legally purchased hardcopy book. The former is patently absurd, and the latter just means that she has a wicked sense of humor.

10:42 AM

cussedness said...

No one pirated your stinking anthologies.

11:10 AM

Die, Obama. I'm Queen.

She does look like her head's been severed and placed on a doily, doesn't she? She looks like a rack of lamb without those little paper chef's hat looking things, and garnish. Unadorned--and frightening.

Embrace your inner Ferengi. Dig that blue nail polish and green beer. Star Trek TNG 2.0 is up and running. Buy low, sell high. Be the outer space equivalent of a W. 47th St. diamond dealer. Yes, a new internet/tv interactive game begins Monday night. Like Star Trek TOS 2.0, you start with 15,000 currency units, buy what you can, and think will generate quick profits, so that you can cash in at the end of the day, and go buy more stock that you think will have profit potential, or pick up bargains.

It's tough in the beginning, because everyone starts off with just about as many kopeks as it takes to buy one or two shares of everything, or more of a slimmed down portfolio that has higher potential for quick profits. Once you've got about 200 million kopeks, you can afford to max out on everything, but that's seldom a good strategy. If you miss a night of trading, you lose ground vs. the competition, and slip in the rankings.

None of the TNG 2.0 interactive episodes have begun, but those who had been playing TOS 2.0 automatically had their usernames/profiles transferred to the new game, and players can now buy stock. Whee!

I'll be promoted from captain to Fleet Captain this evening during the last night of TOS 2.0 play. I'm so close to a billion kopeks, that I'd really have to royally screw up to not hit that mark. Rank in terms of both title and rankings is solely dependent on "net worth." In TNG, I'm starting out with the same Cadet rank and 15,000 kopeks that everyone else has. I'm really looking forward to Monday night. In the meantime, there's tonight for TOS 2.0. I climbed from 274 to 269 this week simply by buying the new issues and maxing out on one bargain stock. Usually, people maintain the same rank during the work week, so I've already had a good week, and the real trading won't start for another 40 minutes.

TMZ reports that Becks thinks Tom Cruise is wise.

At a presser today, the soccer stud said he phoned his wee BFF the other night to ask for advice about the paparazzi. "He's a very wise man and a very good friend of mine," said Beckham of Cruise, "and to have his experience and have him explain some things to me to be prepared for, that's going to be a big help."

I nearly fell off my chair laughing at that one. Tom Cruise, wise? Wise enough to give Becks directions to Alpha Centauri, maybe. Here I was thinking Becks was smart to take the money and run, maybe even kick a ball or two, for the L.A. soccer team. Heck, Poshie's plastic enough that she would love the La-La Land lifestyle, and his career looks like it's winding down to mostly endorsements anyway. Why not retire in the land of sunshine, earthquakes, wildfires, and mudslides? But take advice from the king of punch lines, Tom Cruise? Puh-leeze.

This nonsense I've been reading about Becks changing the face of soccer in the U.S. and making it bigger than NFL is a total crock of, well, you know . . . It's all about the money. Unless all of South and Central America moves up here, soccer's never going to take this country by storm. Let him rot away on the Left Coast. I'm all for it.

Looks like my department of soon-to-be-one has another happy customer. This guy runs an ad network comprised of posters/billboards in high traffic areas of health clubs. I threw together a code for him right before New Year's so that he could run reach and frequency numbers, and tossed together a spreadsheet with some numbers for him to look over.

In a nutshell, he will be able to estimate how many people (raw numbers and as a percentage) of Adults 18+, Women 18-34, or whatever see his advertising how many times on average, over the course of a month, two months, etc. This is pretty key when trying to sell in the idea of advertising with his "network" to ad agency media planners. He and I both had a few questions for each other. Conference call!

I'd never spoken to the guy before, but he's a research type, so we spoke the same language while our sales person stayed mostly mum. I asked about how he came up with an estimated frequency number (per visit) that I'd never seen before his email, and which wasn't included in the custom research done for them by a third party. Wasn't confrontational, but explained that chances are pretty high that we would get questions from the ad agency people about the numbers, and we would need to be able to explain their basis if asked.

Interestingly enough, he sounded glad that I had asked the question, and relieved that I as a fellow researcher felt comfortable going with and incorporating that number into their final numbers that come out of our system. I was also in tune with his ultimate objective of getting his sales people numbers they needed to go do their job and sell the ad space, but sort of from the opposite side of the fence, inasmuch as I knew what I wanted to see from a sales person, when they called on me, and I knew what they would and would not accept as reasonable.

I can get him revised numbers to look at by the end of the week. They still may undergo further refinement, but we're most of the way there. His questions to me were mostly about how people with our software could manipulate the national estimate to either make a single market or regional buy, or, if necessary, scale the numbers up to include additional health clubs as they add to their network. All easily done "on the fly" by any media planner, without our having to develop and re-issue new codes via software distribution. He was cool with that.

We also briefly discussed whether his company sold its women-only clubs separately from the co-ed ones, and whether it might be worth our developing separate codes for the sub-groups. Answer = "not at this point, but maybe in the future." It would have potentially meant more revenue for us if he had wanted us to develop additional codes, but since it's not yet an issue for him, why push it? My objective was to make him comfortable that I knew what I was doing, had his best interest and objectives in focus, and was thinking ahead should his needs change.

Mission accomplished. I made progress on several other projects today, but this was the main one that actually involved directly dealing with the client. Froggie's going to go to bed happy tonight.

Sanity Rules

Two things happened today. Gary quit. I was wondering when he'd get around to it. I'll miss him, but I'm really happy for him.

I'd been hoping for the other thing to happen since before Thanksgiving. My Advanced Analytics department is being folded back into R&D, effective today, and is no longer a separate profit center. WHEE! Even if Gary hadn't quit, we were down to two people after a couple of retirements and Meilin left after only 7 months.

I was hired to be the media research director in R&D almost six years ago. We were ripped out of R&D three years ago and made a profit center. Back then, Analytics was a buzzword that made our CEO have grand visions of getting a piece of the consulting & analysis pie. It worked for a little while, but client funds for such things have vanished, and we morphed into programming, statistical modeling, and to some extent, quality assurance.

On a day to day basis, we interact with QA and the programmers. It made no sense to have us report to sales after my previous boss retired last summer. Sales doesn't understand what we do, let alone how to do it, so they can write up a sales proposal and figure out what to charge, but are useless at figuring out implementation.

Effective today, I went back to reporting to the guy who originally hired me. This is as it should be. I'm thrilled. It's mere coincidence that this happened the day Gary resigned. Our new CEO is the type to see right through the bull; nobody's going to be able to snow this guy. Apparently, this guy's got a really good reputation, and from what I can tell with my limited dealings with him, it's well deserved.

This Old Hag, Part II

The experiment was successful. The brown is still brown and probably 3/4 of the gray went from silver to gold. Alchemy in a bottle, sort of, except that silver's not a base metal. SJ was there hovering over me the whole time, watching, offering tips, etc. He even went to fetch me a mug of coffee and held it to my lips for a swig while the countdown was on, and I was standing there in "surgical gloves" afraid to touch anything.

We now have two believers in this household that: a) I chose the right color, and b) it achieved the result I wanted. None of this bottle blonde nonsense, because as promised, it didn't lighten any of the non-gray hair.

Next up, the Spock Market begins serious trading at 4:00 pm Eastern when the first of the three interactive episodes on G4TV begins. Then there's the "after hours" trading when the Left Coast gets its feed, so even after 7:00 Eastern, there's opportunity to make more. Let's see if I can crack a billion this evening. I doubt it, but I did gain 96 places in the rankings to 405 after last Saturday. With any luck, I bypassed the gridlock that had me slide back in the rankings two weeks ago, even after netting a gain of around 86 million. Let the games begin!

This Old Hag

The grand experiment begins tomorrow. I got my first gray hair back in my undergrad days. A friend noticed it and asked me if I wanted her to pluck it for me. NO! I need every strand of hair I can get. Even in my mid-40s, it's baby fine and limp. In my late 30s for perhaps 2-3 years I let the guy who cuts my hair bleach golden highlights in it to make the gray blend in. He did a really great job with none of that weird streaky look that so many people end up with, but at $130 a pop, even getting it done 2-3 times a year instead of every three months was insane, and the fact that it took three hours each time wasn't in its favor.

So for the past five years or so, I just said "the hell with it," and let the highlights grow out, and the gray back in. Even now, it's probably less than 5% gray, so it's not a big deal, but it is annoying inasmuch as most of it's in my bangs or right around the top of my head where it's most noticeable. Time to try a home dye kit. Semi-permanent color to not last more than a month before washing it out. Will not lighten hair, but will nail the gray. Years ago when I told the guy who cuts my hair that I was calling it quits with the highlights, I said to him "If it really starts bothering me down the road, I could always just try a semi-permanent dye a shade or two lighter than my own color, that won't bleach anything." He nodded in agreement. So . . . I'm on the right track trying this.

What shocked the living daylights out of me was that when I visited the Clairol and L'Oreal websites to do some research on brands and shades, six out of seven considered me a dark blonde when I held my hair up to the monitor to compare with their samples. The seventh conceded that I could be considered an ultra-light brunette or a dark blonde. All the brunette samples against which to compare were darker than my hair.

I admit it's a hard to define hair color, but I always considered myself a brunette. In fact, I laughed at a secretary I had back in the mid 1980s who called me a blonde, thinking she's Puerto Rican with really dark hair, so to her, I probably do look like a blonde. Apparently, I look like a blonde to the hair color "experts" at the two main companies in the U.S. as well. Granted, it does look dark blonde to me in the middle of summer after many weekends on the golf course, but in the dead of winter . . . c'mon!

The funniest thing of all is that SJ is an expert on hair dye, and I had to calm his fears that I'd come out looking like a honey blonde. Not a chance. Not with this semi-permanent stuff that won't bleach out the exisiting brown. He had to read the label for himself to be sure, before heaving a sigh of relief. File that under "precious moments."

Really, I do hate shopping, but there's an Ann Taylor Loft on the first floor of my office building, so it's convenient. Swiped this pic from elsewhere, although it may very well be the one in my building. Winter sale, 60% off most of the originally overpriced prices. Just wanted to get a nice pair of high heeled dressy leather boots I can wear to client meetings--my Harley Davidson ankle boots are great with slacks, but look ridiculous with a skirt or dress.

Found the boots during lunch hour alright; last pair was the display one, which just happened to be my size, so I sent a clerk looking for its mate. $130 boots on sale for $40. Dark brown, but they look black anyway, and they don't pinch my toes, even with 2.75" heels, which is pushing my heel height limit. Not quite "hooker heels," but getting up there, if you will. They aren't stillettos, but aren't chunky fugly, either.

Looking around, I shifted into "power shopper" gear, and within five minutes found a $160 gunmetal gray suede jacket for $50, a $118 faux-suede, faux-fur lined vest with Tyrolean style trim for $25, a $70 pair of black cotton velvet slacks for $40 (last pair in my size), and a $79 black mohair sweater for $30. Spent more time waiting for the clerk to find the matching boot than I did finding everything else, and there weren't many customers milling around. Sounds like a lot of black and gray, but in NY, there's no such thing as too much black for office-wear. It never shows the dirt, and it never goes transparent in a rainstorm.

There was no need for me to try on any of it before getting in the checkout line. I can just look at something, and know whether it'll fit. It's odd that for tops, I have to buy two sizes larger than I do for slacks or skirts to accommodate my shoulder width, but it's just a fact of life for me with almost every clothing manufacturer. Think scrawny high school football kicker with his shoulder pads on, and you get the picture.

All in all, it was quite a successful power shopping trip.

The biggest news of the new year so far, blog-wise of course, is that I finally buckled down and spent the time this evening to get my BlogRolling working properly to replace my manual links in this "classic" template, and in my no-longer-beta one for Cricket Frog. Some of you may find yourselves relabeled, because I mostly just picked up your title page and went with it, instead of using my old label, unless your title page name was too long to fit. Never fear--the only links I lost in the process were rather old ones that no longer exist.

If I missed anyone, please leave a comment to let me know; I'll fix it.