Reprint from a March Xanga Entry

It's been a long week, with our monthly series of day-long management meetings, so I've been neglecting this blog. I've decided to reprint an old entry on another blog of mine, which actually got a nod of approval from an author who has published many books in the horror/fantasy genre, and at one time or another has been an editor. I respect her judgment, and she can be harsh.

By way of introduction, because this is merely one episode taken from the middle of a serial, if you will, our hero is a mentally disabled 29 year old male, who's on all kinds of psychotropic drugs, with an IQ of 79. He thinks that means his intelligence level is C+ to B-. He's on the government dole for his mental disability, and fancies himself a phenomenal horror writer who just doesn't get the respect he so richly deserves from the Horror Writers of America, of which Mary SanGiovanni's president.

He lives in Illinois, alternating on and off with a roomie in an apartment, his granny's basement, and the mental hospital. Nobody would make fun of him were it not for the fact that he makes it his business to be obnoxious, send people (including me) idle death threats for not liking his fiction, which is so riddled with spelling and grammatical errors as to make it unreadable. He gets kidded all the time about being gay, because he's so vocal about his homophobia. The story is fiction, but the hero is, unfortunately for society, very real. He looks very much like this:


And now for the story.
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Friday, March 24, 2006

New Nicky Adventure ...the last time we saw Nicky, he woke up back in his room at Lakeview Psychiatric Facility to find Melny standing over him, offering him some tea. He didn't want it so she set it down and left the room, closing the door behind her. Scene 1: Nicky drifted off back to sleep. He slept like Rip Van Winkle. He needed it. When he awoke, he tossed off the blanket, got up from the sofa, and looked at the teacup. It was disgusting. Half the liquid had evaporated, and it was crawling with fruit flies that were after the sugar. "Fuck you, Melny! Never put sugar in my tea," he screamed to nobody in particular, since he was alone in his room. He walked out into the hallway to see if any of his old friends were still around. They were, but they were mostly juveniles with whom he had no patience. Very few were his age, give or take. Still, he spotted Mina down the hall. "Mina! How the hell are you? Where have you been? I haven't seen you in the longest time." "Nicky, it's nice to see you again. Where have YOU been? I've been here the whole time. The staff told us you were really sick, and not to bother you." "But Mina, I'm perfectly fine. How do you get an appointment with the doctor to prove it? "Oh, you just fake some stomach illness or say you have diarrhea. Then they'll let you see the doctor." Scene 2: Nicky picked up his room phone and called the front desk. "I'm having severe intestinal cramps and the runs. Can you send someone here pronto? This is really awful!" "Yes, Nicky, just hang on. Melny will be with you in a minute." "But I don't want Melny! Send someone else!" "May I ask why?" Nicky replied that she "put sugar in my tea, and it was really gross with the fruit flies swarming around it...oh, nevermind...just send somebody." "I'm sorry, but Melny's the only one we have available at the moment. "Alright, send her, but I hate her!" "Look, I'll see if the attending doctor can see you, and if so, I'll just have Melny bring you to see him. His name is Dr. Fielgut." Nicky replied "I like that doctor! When can I see him?" The receptionist put Nicky on hold and knocked on the doctor's door. "Within the next hour," replied Fielgut to the receptionist's inquiry. "I'm busy at the moment, but I'll let you know when to send Melny there to bring him back to see me." "Nicky. The doctor said it should be within an hour, and he'll let me know when he's available. I'll send Melny down to get you then, okay?" Scene 3: Fielgut saw it was obvious that Nicky was off his meds, and wrote out a new prescription for lithium. He told Nicky that if he got back on his meds, he might be allowed to join the field trip to the local bowling alley next week. Nicky was ecstatic. This was his chance to beat Mina. He lost to her playing Space Invaders last time they went on a field trip together; she got 168, and he got 150. For Nicky, 150 was pretty good. But still, it really sucked losing to a girl, and he wanted revenge. Nicky obediently took his meds, because he knew the staff would be taking blood tests to be sure he wasn't cheating. He just had to be allowed to go on the field trip. One morning an older, matronly looking attendant showed up and took a blood sample. Although Nicky had donated blood in the past, he hated needles. It made him feel a bit green around the gills to see his blood oozing out into a tube or syringe. "When will the results be ready? And can I have about a tablespoon of it back to use for my book signings?" asked Nicky. The attendant replied "Later this afternoon, I should think. Don't worry, the field trip's tomorrow, not today." She didn't answer his question about the book signing. He didn't press the issue. "Can someone call me when they're ready, to let me know?" he asked. "Sure, Nicky. I can arrange for that. Don't worry." Nicky spent the rest of the day in his room updating his many blogs and firing off nasty email to all the people who have ruined his book sales over the years. To: Burkeman From: Nickolas Ablert Pacoine Subject: E-pirating Asshat "Burkeman, fuck you! You e-pirated Tabloid Purpothes II. I know you did. Don't deny it douchebag. I know you're the one who did it. Then you emailed copies of it to Mary, Jean-Loup, Dan0oo, Truth, and SamYoung05. Oh, and that Phag bitch, too, and SirOtter, AlKilyu, and Janrae. You'll pay for this if I have to come over there myself and set your house of fire before I drag you out in the street and throw you in front of a speeding garbage truck. That's where you belong--in the back of a garbage truck with the rest of the rubbish. Do you hear me!? Capiche?" To: Mary SanGiovanni From: Nickolas Ablert Pacoine Subject: E-pirating Asshat "Mary, fuck you! ...Burkeman...Capiche?" To: Jean-Loup From: Nickolas Ablert Pacoine Subject: E-pirating Asshat "Jean-Loup, fuck you! ...Burkeman...Capiche?" To: The Truth About Dick From: Nickolas Ablert Pacoine Subject: E-pirating Asshat "Truth, fuck you! ...Burkeman...Capiche?" To: Dan0oo From: Nickolas Ablert Pacoine Subject: E-pirating Asshat "Dan0oo, fuck you! ...Burkeman...Capiche?" To: SamYoung05 From: Nickolas Ablert Pacoine Subject: E-pirating Asshat "SamYoung, fuck you! ...Capiche?" After typing out the same text over and over, Nicky hit on a brilliant idea. He could simply copy-and-paste the text from one into the next, but he still had to type out the To: field for each one, and take the recipient's name off the list in the text and replace it with Burkeman's. To: Phag... To: Janrae... To: AlKilyu... Nicky thought he'd covered everyone on his shit list, except Poppy Z. Brite, who he fervently hoped died in Katrina. He started to daydream that he was big enough of a man to throw her a life preserver as he zipped through downtown NOLA in his chartered yacht, looking for people to save. He pictured himself to be an Italian version of that excellent news reporter, Geraldo Rivera. He chuckled to himself at the thought, and let out a hopeful sigh. Nicky was jolted back to reality when the phone in his room rang. "Hello." he said. "Nicky, this is the front desk. Your blood test results are back. You passed, and have the doctor's permission to go on the field trip tomorrow. Be ready by 11am by the front door, where the van driver will pick up everyone who's going." "Whee! Thank you so much, and thank Dr. Fielgut for me, will you?" he squealed with delight. Scene 4: Nicky wolfed down breakfast at 9:30 am on the day of the field trip, and could hardly contain himself as he tried to figure out what to do for the next hour and a half. He was sure his strength would be up for bowling. He had eaten two fried eggs, hash browns, six strips of bacon, and two pork sausage patties. He would worry about his cholesterol later--for now, strength was the main issue. He had to beat Mina. Manhood points were at stake. He prowled around his room like a nervous cat, and kept checking his email. Nothing. Surely someone must have replied to his hateful email by now. It was almost 11:00 when he finally got an email. Indeed, it was from Grammy Surely. She wanted to know how he was doing. "Later, Grammy" he thought to himself. "I have to run now, but I'll reply when I get back." Nicky and Mina were standing around with the others by the front door waiting for the van to arrive. They were getting all excited about their big day out on the town, instead of being locked up as usual in a converted monastery with a bunch of other cuckoo birds. The van arrived at 11:03. Mina was first on line to get on. She paused a moment, though, because she didn't recognize the van driver. "Who are you? I don't believe I've ever seen you before. Are you new?" The driver replied "My name is Horst. Yes, I just started working here this week. And your name is...what?" "Oh, it's Mina, and this here is Nicky," she said as she grabbed Nicky's arm and dragged him next to her. Nicky was a little embarrassed by being manhandled like that by a woman, but he almost fainted when he looked at the man. It was Horse. "Horse, is that you?" Nicky asked in a quavering voice. "Yes, it is, Nick. Hop on in and we can talk later. You're holding up this field trip. We booked the lanes for 11:30, and have to stop by the desk to rent bowling shoes for everyone" said Horst. Nicky was in a daze, but he climbed in, followed by Mina, who sat next to him, then the 10 others. He was dead silent during the drive, and stared distractedly out the window. Mina knew better than to try to talk to him when he was like this. Scene 5: They arrived at the bowling alley and got out of the van. Horst led them in, paid their fee, and shepherded them all over to the shoe rental desk. Nicky was a little embarrased to request size four men's shoes, but they had them; sometimes the lanes hosted some kid's birthday party, just like the roller skating rink down the block did. They all put on their rented shoes, and paired up with each other for the six lanes they had rented. Mina and Nicky paired up together. This was going to be a death match, as far as Nicky was concerned. He was not going to lose to a girl. Nicky went around picking up bowling ball after bowling ball, trying to get one that felt heavy enough. When he thought he had a candidate, he took a backswing to get a feel for it. It wasn't quite right. Next, he found a blood-red one that seemed a bit heavier, tested it out, and liked it. It weighed 14 lbs. Mina picked a powder blue one that was much lighter. They were ready to rock and roll. Mina grabbed a score sheet, and they went over to lane 6. This bowling alley was too ancient to have electronic scoring. She went first. She took out six pins, but left herself a tough second try. She nailed the 4, 5 and 7, but left the 10 standing. Nine for the frame. Nicky swaggered up with his blood red bowling ball, and took a low slow backswing, but turned his wrist on the forward delivery, and got a gutter ball. His second try was a bit better--he knocked over the 1, 2, 4, and 7, and left the rest standing, which is not that easy to do. Four for the frame. Nicky was just warming up. "Mina, that was just a practice frame, okay? "The hell it was, Nicky. You know better. Just bowl better for the rest of the game!" she replied. Mina stepped up with her flyweight bowling ball and sent one right down the middle. It took out all but the 7 and 10 pins. She knocked over the 7 with her next bowl. Nine for the frame. Nicky stepped up next and rolled a spare with his two balls. He got another roll. Gutter ball. Ten for the frame. He was feeling pretty cocky because he'd just won a frame. During the course of the next few frames, Mina hit a few strikes, and spares, and got her extra rolls. She ended up with 205. Nicky had way too many gutter balls. He ended up with a score of 87. That was humiliating to him so he challenged her to a game of Donkey Kong, over in the arcade area. He bought himself a slice of pizza at the food counter along the way, but made her pay for her own soda pop. Ever the gentleman, he did pay for their arcade games, though. Pacman was first. Mina clobbered him on the first try. Looking for something a little more difficult, Nicky next selected Donkey Kong. Mina won by 26 points. Furious, Nicky moved on over to Centipede, and told her to get that worm up her nether parts. She laughed. She won. At 1:00 pm, Horse showed up with the van to pick them all up. He had to walk in there and stop the squabbling, and make everybody return the rented shoes and bowling balls. "No, you may not take those back with you." he explained. As he let off the field trip group at Lakeview, he asked Nicky if they could possibly meet out back somewhere for their talk. Nicky immediately said "Yes! But I don't know when I can escape. It's up to the doctor. How did you find me here, anyway?" "A little birdie told me you were here, and I got to missing you, so I applied for an orderly's job. Luckily, I got accepted. Anyway, we'll talk later." ...to be continued