Yes, sports fans, this is the new, er, face of airport security. Forget those long lines at the x-ray machine for carry-on luggage. They no longer exist. Yea! No more being pulled aside into tiny rooms to be strip searched by a security guard of your own gender while the rest of your family waits outside for you. Yea! The bad news is that you'll be on parade, naked, in front of a bunch of fully clothed fat ugly TSA goons with metal detecting wands and stun guns.

I propose a "fast lane," for air travelers, much like the highway system's EZ-Pass. Eat a slice of bacon or ham in front of a security guard, and you zip right onto the plane. Optionally, you can place your left hand on a Koran (the "unclean" hand), raise your right hand, and declare "I am an infidel." Boom--you zip right through security.

Since no toothpaste, lip gloss, anti-perspirant, shampoo, etc., is allowed in carry-on luggage, I propose not showering for three days before flying, and eating lots of raw onions and garlic an hour in advance of boarding.

Can you imagine what this will do to duty-free shops? Passengers make it past the main security checkpoint, then proceed past the duty-free shops to their gates, but can't buy anything worthwhile, because gate security will make them surrender those bottles of bourbon, fancy cosmetics, or perfume before boarding. The jury's still out about whether it's okay to carry onboard a cheesecake from Junior's to bring to granny in Minnesota. Nothing says New York like a Junior's cheesecake! Is the texture too creamy? Probably. Too runny? After it sits out on the tarmac in the blazing sun waiting to be loaded into the cargo hold, definately.

There is one thing that puzzles me, though. The terrorists were targeting American carriers. Heven't Americans traveling internationally known for years never to fly domestic carriers on transatlantic flights? Fly Virgin or British Airways. Virgin code-shares with Continental, so you won't lose any One Pass frequent flier miles.